When anxiety strikes

I think sometimes depression and anxiety can be used too freely. Its not until you experience one or both of these that you understand how these two mental illnesses can turn you life upside down. I truly believe that unless you have suffered with these illness you will never understand what the sufferer is experiencing, yes the Dr can read the text book, friends and family can spend hours searching the internet, but I can tell you now, they will never be able to truly understand.

I`m currently suffering from anxiety, what can I say, it kind of appeared from no where. Don`t get me wrong me and my partner have had a rough 12-18 months, with dad being diagnosed with cancer, our infertility worries, money issues and basically increased pressure. But nothing major has happen In the last 4 weeks, seems as though my anxiety start around 3 weeks ago, like I said It kind of appeared. The first time I knew something wasn’t right was about 3 weekends ago, my partner wanted to take me out for breakfast, I loved the idea, we drove to somewhere where we have been plenty of times. The minute I saw all the cars in the car park, I panicked, my heart was beating, mouth went dry, sweaty palm and that was it I wanted to turn around and go home, instant fear struck. I said to my partner, ” I can`t go in there, with all those people”. my partner looked at me and smiled, ” of course you can go in “, after debating we walking in, there was a huge queue, thank goodness. “lets go” I said , and with that we went somewhere that was almost empty.

It was a week after that incident when every aspect of daily life became a challenge. I dread the phone ringing, doing the food shopping, being in charge at work, basically anything that connected me to the outside world just scared the life out of me. my heart would beat harder and faster then ever. I finally went to the Dr, she prescribed me two different medications. I took my first dose this morning, I don’t really know what I was expecting really. Some people may not wish to use medication, but personal I needed something, anything to help me get back to “normal” everyday life. I will just have to hope for the best and see if the medication makes “life” easier.

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Being an auntie whilst Trying To Conceive

As I have said in a previous post my family and I are extremely close, they treat my partner like the son they never had. It was 5 years ago that I found out my only sister was pregnant. I still remember the conversation to this day, I was devastated, I was trying to conceive and I just kept thinking why not me…!! I realise now that I shouldn’t of reacted the way I did, but I was hurting. I had accepted the fact that I was going to become an auntie and the fact that I would have to try and cope with holding back every emotion that I would most probably feel when I first met him and many times after. Don’t get me wrong it was extremely hard at first, especially as I found out a week after he was born that we couldn’t conceive naturally. as I said we are extremely close and I saw both my sister and nephew practical every other day, being an auntie almost helped by deal with the fact that I would help conceiving if we wanted to have a child. As time went on my sister had to return to work to support her family, it was at this point that I started to look after my nephew 2/3 days a week in order for my sister to be able to go out and earn money. Further down the line my sister became pregnant again, this was around 6 months before our first cycle of IVF, I was excited for her as I was full of hope with us actually being able to get pregnant too, we would even talk about our babies being such a close age, I would go shopping with her and buy outfit for her little girl that she was expecting. My sister asked me to be her birthing partner, I couldn’t believe it, I became emotional, I felt so honoured, I felt excited, still full of wishful thinking with our cycle I thought it would be perfect for me to be able to experience the birth before I would go through it myself. I can honestly say that it was the most overwhelming moment of my life, it felt truly amazing hold this beautiful baby girl in the first moments of her life, our bond has been extremely strong since. After we began our IVF cycle you can image that we was excited, stressed and worried, just to name a few. Unfortunately our cycle didn’t work, shortly after I found out that my sister in-law was pregnant, someone might as well of ripped my heart out, seriously how was I suppose to paint that fake smile on my face, especially now after our failed cycle, I couldn’t even bring myself to see her, instead I said congratulations over text message, it was the best I could do. I was filled with so much heartbreak and sadness already after the IVF that this really  was the icing on the cake, it truly was our worse year to date. It so hard even now, as I still don’t feel like I have a bond with them that I do with my sisters children, which is unfair on them. Being an auntie is some circumstances has almost been some what therapy for me, helping bring them up, treating them as my own and seeing all their milestone. But on the other hand whilst actively going through the IVF process and dealing with being an auntie is extremely difficult especially when it fails. I find it so much harder when friends announce their pregnant or someone at work, I really don’t know how that works, you would think it would be harder finding out family members are expecting, but maybe it because I know ill have some input and be there to support them. Its crazy how baby envy works, and how bad news seems to come all at once. I doubt I would be where I am today if I wasn’t anut.

 

The ungrateful mothers

As a women that has to under go years of try to conceive, medication, emotion stress and IVF cycle ( to name a few) in order to create our precious baby, I would like to think that I would cherish every aspect of our pregnancy from the minute we found out. I would give anything to be woken up with morning sickness, have swollen feet and even put on tonnes of weight right now. I would take a photo of our bump everyday, fill out their milestone book, enjoy waking up in the middle of the night and survive from 3 hours sleep if i had too, just appreciate and make the most of everyday milestone and day.

 

You can guess how it feels hearing women complain about their morning sickness, their bad back, weird craving and hearing phrases such as ” I cant wait till its out of me ” infuriates me to say the least, I just want to put them in their place and tell them how lucky they really are, and make them realise even if its only for a minute that its not so easy for everyone else.

I just cant seem to escape seeing and hearing ungrateful mothers, you turn on the TV and there’s a talk show on, with kids asking their mum why they got put into care, why they never visited them and why it took their mum until they were 18 years old before they contacted them. I find this the saddest case, when some women have their kids taken off them and don’t even fight for them, or continue to have more kids and also have those taken away. How can I put this……….. How the hell can people like that have children and yet people like me struggle for years…..!!!!!! I know it sounds selfish but sometimes through our journey your allowed to be.

That life changing moment

I had under gone investigational surgery related to the pain I was suffering from. By this time we had been TTC for roughly 12/18 months. I was devastated to find out from the surgeon that I have a 50/50 chance of conceiving, I burst into tears and walked out of the hospital. 6/8 weeks had pasted I returned to the doctors for an unrelated reason, at the end of my appointment the doctor asked if I had received a copy of my consults letter that has been sent to my own Dr, I hadn’t received anything. But told the Dr I had been told about my chance of getting pregnant. The Dr insisted on giving me a copy for my own records. He passed me the letter and at a quick glance of the top line that was in bold writing was   “IVF is needed if I want to get pregnant” not in those exact words, im not good at medical terms. My whole world had just crumbled down on me. For the past 6/8 weeks I had been trying to deal with the fact I had only a 50/50 chance of getting pregnant and now I have this piece of paper that says I cant get pregnant at all. That one piece of paper changed my life, all I can remember is telling the doctor I have to go, lost for words and trying to hold every emotion back whilst I am walking through the Dr waiting room, I power walked to the exit. I didn’t know what to do, I burst into tears, I felt worthless, less of a women and disappointed. All I wanted to do was get home to my best friend, my partner but he was working. I went to my mums, were all so close and they have been on this journey with us too, she tried her best to console me but she couldn’t. How am I ever going to have a baby, there`s no hope, I give up, what’s the point, all these thought rushing through my head. All I wanted was my partner to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. After hours of crying, screaming, shouting and my mum cradling me, my partner picked me up and we returned home. It didn’t make anything easier or better but my partner holding me, telling me everything will be ok and that this isn’t the end, somehow comforted me. I am extremely lucky to of had and have that support network around me, and I couldn’t image doing this with no extra support like some people have to. That one piece of paper change mine and my partners future forever and took us in a different direction on our journey, but after a while I was kind of grateful for our diagnosis, if we hadn’t received this information we would still be TTC and pushing our special relationship to its limit , at least we now know the path we have to take.

Baby envy

That rush of emotion when your suffering from baby envy and a family member or friend tells you that their expecting. There’s no words that can truly describe the feeling that you feel when those words are spoken. Those words that you are desperate to say yourself, just reinforces that fact that you yourself cant get pregnant naturally. Its not that you don’t want your best friend , sister or cousin to be happy but its so hard to share that extreme happiness that they are feeling. I would love to be able to paint a constant smile on my face and be as excited as they are but initially you smile and say how happy you are for them. As their pregnancy goes on and they start showing and are showing you pictures of their scan photos, nursery accessories or clothes they have bought, it becomes even more difficult as the longer their pregnancy goes on, is the longer you yourself are having to wait for exactly what they have right now. The hardest moment is seeing mother and baby for the first time, if its a friend that your visiting you just paint that smile on whilst visiting and then cry when you get home, and maybe try and avoid them for a while after whilst you deal with hiding your baby envy. If they are family its harder as you see them more regularly, it does force you to almost learn to cope with the constant reminder of what you are longing for. After almost 5 years I am still learning to cope with baby envy, it doesn’t get easier but you do learn how to cope with it , or shall I say you learn to hide it.

Wanting a fairy tale.

I wanted to get married, have children and settle down when I found my amazing partner who is my best friend. When you start trying to conceive its such an exciting time, your really hopeful, and think its going to happen quickly. After a few of months you still are kind of hopeful but if your like me I started to get impatient. Everyone around me seemed to be conceiving or giving birth to beautiful babies. Friends would casually ask, are you planning on having children in the future?, its at this point that you try and think of a quick reply because you don’t want to let them know that you are trying but without any luck. I have learnt just to reply ” it will happen when it happens” which is increasingly hard when they notice I have said that for the last 5 years. Sometimes when people used to ask about me having a baby I just want to shout at them and say “We are trying, but as you can see, not getting anywhere, just because you got pregnant straight away, its not the same for all of us”. Once I had been trying to conceive for about 6 months it was all I could think about, literally day and night, I would be on Google constantly trying to find different ways to help me get pregnant. I would stock up on ovulations kits to try and find the perfect time to try and make our longed for baby. I became obsessed, and I mean obsessed, looking back it must of been horrible for my partner, being told when we were having sex, just so we was in with a chance, spending more time online then I was spending with him, the change in our relationship, it wasn’t making love anymore it was just so I could get pregnant. Every month you feel that overwhelming feeling of excitement, as this may be the month that we have been lucky, I might actually have a baby growing inside me. Every month I would look for symptoms of pregnancy, looking back I think I was feeling symptoms that wasn’t there. When my period was late that I would be extremely excited, id say to my partner, I think I am, I feel different, I might have your baby growing inside of me. My partner was and is very good at staying netrual until we know something for definite. The overwhelming excitement is then crashed in an instance when your Period arrives, you may be at home, work or out for lunch with friends, where ever you are your mood changes instantly, instant disappointment, anger and a rush of emotions surge through your body, you so close to tears but unless your at home by yourself, you hold it together and try to carry on as normal. Whilst trying to hold it together you seem to notice every pregnant women, every baby clothing shop, a baby in the supermarket crying and that flaming clear blue pregnancy test advert on TV always seemed to appear on my TV. It wasn’t until that I had a diagnosis that I had to deal with the fact that everything we could try just wouldn’t work for us. In a way I am grateful we have been told we cant conceive naturally , as I think my obsession with becoming pregnant would of destroyed our relationship, and that truly would of pushed me over the edge.